The Walls Have Ears

Lucy Ker
Staff Writer 
“Yo, do you weigh less than 98 pounds?”
“Are you guys having a good time?” “Just wait till the probes get here.”
“Can I tape you?”
“Because we get stupider every year.”
“You scream like a monkey.”
“Yes, my wife is pregnant with our grandchildren, Sunny.” “Oh, your son is pregnant?” “No. My daughter is pregnant, and my son is getting married.”
“You can rock climb his abs.”
“No, you can't have 50 cats. Bro, that's too many cats.”
“How on earth did you fall down the stairs again?”
“I'm not pregnant; I just ate too much pasta.”
“No, you can't steal a corpse!”
“How do you lose a woman?” “I don’t know, I'm not in charge of the thing!”
“No, you can't just kiss the deadly monster.”
“How much trouble can you get in if you steal a cat?”
“My bathroom lighting looks like a romantic scene.”
“My limbs are falling off.”
“What's my grinch name?”
“Snatched dead tomato.”
"I wonder if I try hard enough, can I jump off a high wall and live?” “You might break your legs in five to eight places."
"Did the sub treat you like simple humans or like cattle?” “Wait, am I a human? I thought I was a person." 
"Have you seen my turtle-neck” “Why would you wear a turtle on your neck?"
"Yesterday my friend got hit by a truck outside my house while trying to leave.” “I'm sorry, is your friend okay?” “The better question is: is the truck ok?"
"I sleep in my soup."
"So, the pig is gaslighting me now?"
"What is he doing?” “He is trying to sing to Miley Cyrus” “Man, he is terrible.” “Yep, he is.” 
"Has anyone seen my pet spider? I lost him while using the bathroom."
“I love my boyfriend, but I don't think he likes me back.”
“I swear the E-wing stairs are life and death, man.”
“Bro, graphing isn't that hard.”
“How'd you leave class and nobody noticed?”  ” Because I'm magic.” 
“You should write a book with how many times you hurt yourself by tripping.”
“The cat got in the fridge again.”

​